Change Is Inevitable

The first book that caught my eye is the book, "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson, M.D. This book is about how different people deal with change. There are 4 characters: Sniff, Scurry (possess simple thoughts & good intentions, like mice), Hem, Haw (possess complex thoughts & beliefs with emotions, like people). At times, I am each of these characters. For the last 4 months, I've been Hem, resisting the reality that what was going to be is no longer possible and to let go of our plans for the near & long-term future. I have not been able to let go.

Key point #1: HAVING CHEESE MAKES YOU HAPPY
"Cheese" is a metaphor for whatever you desire (a job, money, bigger house, etc). Nine months ago, I would have said that "cheese" would have stood for a profitable "job". The finances I had 9 months ago was not allowing me to pay off debt. Now, currently, "cheese" stands for a relationship, with him, although that is not possible. The idea that "the cheese" (the relationship) would last long-term or forever, I was happy and secure. I felt secure for the first time, since I was six. I had made plans to move to Florida to be close to him and build my social life (friends, family holidays, volunteerism) around him, and us as a couple.

Two months into the relationship, it abruptly ended. No warning. No signs. Just gone. Death is like that sometimes. In the story, the supply of cheese was getting less and less, so if the four characters had paid attention they would have not been surprised by the eventual lack of cheese. In my case, this was not possible, however the result is the same--no cheese, no relationship. Hem, in shock of no cheese, spins out of control, becomes angry, and shouts "it's not fair!". Death is not fair, but the void is very real, left without cheese. Since the call, I've tuned out a lot. I've not been very productive, but it is understandable. Finding the right person was not easy. For me, this relationship meant feeling safe, having a loving family around me, starting a family of my own with a guy I believe is a great guy and awesome father. I know what we planned will never be, but I still find myself making decisions based on what I think he'd want or be proud of me for. I have ranted at the injustice of it. I've been a walking panic attack. What do I do now? This is not the way things were supposed to turn out!